F: I'm a protecting transformer!
B: Are you protecting R?
F: No, I'm protecting the baby cat.
R: Meow, meow, meow, m... Hey! It's snowing!
F: Do you like snow?
R: I love snow! Because it's FOOD!
F saw Despicable Me yesterday. So naturally he's obsessed with freeze rays and shrink rays.
F: R! Get ready! It's time to go sledding.
R: I don't want to go sledding.
F: You have to. ... Pow! You're frozen!
R: Ha! Now I CAN'T go sledding!
Down the hill
R (running at full speed towards the bathroom): The poop alarm is going off! The baby superhero needs to poop! Hurry! Hurry!
B: What do you want to be when you're a grown-up?
F: I don't know... Maybe a pirate.
B: A pirate?
F: It's something I could think of. I'd be a bad pirate.
B: You wouldn't be good at it?
F: I mean I'd be a MEAN pirate.
B: When you're a grown up, would you want to live with another grown-up, like Mommy and Daddy live together? Or would you want to live alone?
F: I'll live with another grown up. It'll be R. I'm always going to live with R.
R's bathroom alarm, part deux:
R: My pee alarm is going off!
(R starts tear-assing to bathroom, abruptly stops)
R: F, your alarm is going off too!
F: Oh. Yeah. F gets up and joins R
F: I know what day it is, because there's a calendar in my classroom. It has legs!
R: I'm Mommy! I'm drinking all the beer! I'm driving and drinking coffee!
F walks through kitchen with cardboard box on his head, R trailing behind with her arms wrapped around him.
R: I'm the rocking chair's mother's goddess.
F: R, I can read this one to you.
R (agitated): No! Daddy reads!
F: If you let me read it to you, then tomorrow morning I'll let you play with something. It might be mine, and it might be something that's yours but I like it so much I never let you play with it.
R gets up from dinner table.
M: Where are you going?
R: I'm done.
M: Not until your hands and face are wiped!
R: I'll do it in the bathroom.
M: I'll wipe you.
R: No! Stop! I want to do it myself!
(R trudges back to dinner table, resumes eating pb&j)
B: I thought you were done.
R: I have to get messy again so I can wash MYSELF!
F: I like The Lorax, but it gets boring near the end, because it's just two people.
R: Walls are really good at holding onto messes. You can clean a dress with a wall, and the mess will just stay there. The wall will watch the mess and protect it. And you can't get the mess off the wall, because it's protected. Unless you're a Mommy. Mommies can get messes off of anything
F: I can't shoot water, so I shoot fire and ice at the same time. That's how I shoot water.
As far as I can tell, he neither comes on like a flame nor turns a cold shoulder as he does it.
B: So, after the farmers' market, where do you guys want to go?
F: How about climbing wall playground?
B: We could go there, but we're going to be in the car anyway, so we could go to a different playground if you wanted.
F: How about Penny Park? I can HIDE there.
B: We can go to Penny Park IF you promise that when you get cold, you come out of your hiding spots. I don't want to have to chase you into there when it's time to go.
F: Yeah. We don't want to freeze to death.
R: If you freeze to death, you get dead!
R: But I don't freeze to death because my heart coat and my new coat are super warm. I wear my new coat all the time now and it keeps me warm!
R: My birthday is coming up soon!
F: Yeah. And I had a birthday not too long ago. Everybody has a birthday.
R: Yeah, everybody except for dogs has a birthday
B: I think dogs DO have birthdays.
F: Houses don't have birthdays
R: Dogs actually HAVE birthdays. Everyone brings them bones on their birthdays.
F: I guess houses have birthdays too
B: Were houses born?
F: No! So I guess every day is a house's birthday.
B: Ok. Time to pick out your bedtime book.
R picks out Going on a Bear Hunt.
R: Daddy, you're going to have to protect me from the bears!
B (I can't believe I said this): There are no bears in Chicago.
R: Yes there are!
B: Ok. Yes there are. But nobody's afraid of them.
B: Ok, F, time for bed.
F: No, I need more Mommy love!
B&M: You've had a TON of Mommy love.
F: But I've only gotten up to a thousand percent. I need to get up to a quintillion percent!
3 year old with stickers...
R: I have [word] hearts!
B: You have shirt hearts?
R: I have [same word] hearts
B: You have share hearts?
R: No! I have [that pesky word again] hearts!
B: You have hearts?
R: No, Daddy. Hearts are in our chests, under our skin. I have heart STICKERS. They're a symbol of love. Do you want one?
B: Thank you. What bedtime story do you want?
R: This one.
B: Dragons and Giants is pretty scary. Are you sure you want that one?
R: Yeah. We have symbols of love. We won't get scared.
R pops her head out of her room.
R: F's going to kill me.
F is still in his bed (miracle!)
B: Did you tell R you were going to kill her?
B: Why does she think you are?
F: I don't know.
B: R, why did you say F was going to kill you?
R: He keeps turning me into things with his magic wand. He turned me into a monster and he turned me into a bear!
B: Are you going to stop turning R into things or am I going to have to take your wand away?
F (reluctantly): I'll stop.