F: Pow! I shot my bee blaster at you!
B: Um, what's a bee blaster?
F: It shoots bees, and they destroy your house. And then the bees make up a new house. It looks just like the old one. Same size, same shape, same color, except it's made of bees. So people don't know it's not the old house until they walk around on the floor and go, "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!"
One way I know F is mine is his expletive choice.
F: Awww, crud pies!
Thankfully there was no mess:
F (in bathroom): Hey, Daddy!
F: I'm playing a game!
B: Um, what kind of game??
F: It involves pooping!
F had this annoying tendency to delay micturation until the last possible second. He also is lazy. But Margy ripped out the carpet (!) in the downstairs bathroom and has declared it off-limits until she cleans it.
F: WHY CAN'T YOU CLEAN THE BATHROOM?!
B: Wow, that was epic.
F: I AM EPIC!
B: R, is that a paper cut on your finger?
R: No, it's just a red spot. It's a symbol. It's a symbol of you're going to die.
Adding this to the folder of things I will someday show to F's prom date. (Note: I'm pretty sure the last word is "cook".)
Midday, Valentines Day. Best case.
Nearby family playing rock, paper, scissors.
R: Daddy! Me and Mommy play that game!
B: Oh yeah?
R: Well, sometimes. Usually we play something funnier, like rock, paper, mud.
Notes on playing rock, paper, scissors with R:
She says "rock", then makes a rock, then says "paper", then makes paper, then says "scissors", then plays scissors. Scissors. Every time.
She should never play against Bart Simpson.
In addition to scissors, she also played rock-paper-mud, rock-paper-water bottle, and rock-paper-Daddy.
Good old Bart. Always plays rock.
Good old rock. Nothing beats rock. D'oh!
On ice skating:
F: It's better to go fast.
F: Yeah. When you're going fast, you fall diagonal. And when you fall diagonal, it hurts a lot less than when you're going slow and you fall straight down on your butt.
B is getting the water temperature right for a shower (this time of year, that's a long process). It's almost ready. R wanders into bathroom, naked, sits on toilet and starts peeing.
R: Daddy, is it ok if I pee here?
B: You're already doing it, aren't you? Just make sure you don't flush.
R: Daddy, you know I never flush!
F: Where do black holes come from?
B: [30 min of talking about atoms and elements and fusion and escape velocities. Odd to me that I remembered atomic numbers 3 and 4 but couldn't remember boron.]
F: I think I get it. I'm going to draw it... In the middle is the black hole at the center of the Milky Way. The orange part is the sun, and the circles around the sun are the planets.
F: There's a bunch of things about the universe that I don't really understand.
Me, too, kid.
R crawls into my lap and lies down.
R: This is boring!
B: What do you want to do?
R: I want to run around.
B: So why don't you run around?
R: Because I'm too tired from running around.
B: So why don't you rest until you have energy again and THEN run around?
R: Because I want to do both at the same time!