Things you don't want to hear 10 min before it's time to go to the school bus:
F: I trimmed my hair! Look at me!
R: Give me the scissors! I want to trim my hair too!
R spends a lot of time wandering around the playground looking for a teacher so she can shake someone's hand so she can feel good about leaving. Mission accomplished.
R: Daddy! Time to walk home!
B: Actually, we're driving home today.
R: But Mommy ALWAYS lets me walk home!
B: True, but she doesn't bring the car when she does that, does she?
R: Well, sometimes she lets me walk BY MYSELF while she drives near me!
B: I'll tell you what. I can't do that on this street because see how fast the cars go? I couldn't drive slow enough to be next to you.
B: But when we turn off this street, then I can let you out and we can do that, ok?
R: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
R: How come there are no girl dinosaurs?
B: What do you mean? Of course there were girl dinosaurs.
R: What kinds of dinosaurs were girls?
B: Every kind of dinosaur you can think of, some of them were girls. There were girl T-Rexes. There were girl Stegosaurs. There were girl Triceratops. All the kinds of dinosaurs, some of them were girls.
R: What about girl houses?
R: Daddy, who is throwing this party? They may be really lonely, to want to throw a party this big!
More loyalty than taste.
F: I like it better when you sing these songs than when the people in your phone sing them.
(Note: The people on my phone are Bob Dylan, Leonard Cohen, Mark Knopfler, Barton Carroll, and Rhett Miller.)
(B reaches hand into backseat to grab F's hand. F gives B five instead.)
F: Keep your hand there. I want to do a loud clap. (I do, he does.) This is as loud as I can clap. (He claps.)
B: You can also clap louder if you cup your hands like this. Or if you lick your hands.
F: That must be why I clap so loud at school!
B: Because you wash your hands and then they're wet?
F: No, because when I get bored at school, I lick my hands when nobody is looking.
R: Daddy, you need to take a picture of this face so I can draw it.
B: What do you call that face?
R: I call it "mad face"
Sent the kids outside "for their own good. " 30 min later F wants me to light the fire he built. Well constructed, but everything is damp.
How about that. There IS a floor in their room.
R: Daddy, can we go back to the store and buy grapes? I want grapes!
B: We have grapes at home. We can get grapes from home faster than we can get grapes from the store.
R: Yay! Grapes are my favorite food!
F: Not really!
R: Yeah. Noodles are my favorite food.
F: What about ice cream?
R: Oh, yeah! Ice cream! Daddy, can we go back to the store and get ice cream?
B: Not hardly.
R: Oh, you know what? Ice cream isn't my favorite food either.
F: Really?!! What's your favorite food?
F: But love isn't a food.
R: Yes it is, it's inside me!
F: But it doesn't go in through your mouth. And it's invisible.
R: It's not invisible. I can draw love.
R: I can draw a picture of a heart and give it to somebody!
R: Daddy, when I was out walking, I saw molecules!
B: You did? Where?
R: I looked under a rock, and there they were!
B: How did you know they were molecules?
R: I could tell by looking at 'em. Also, they were stuck to the bottom of the rock, and molecules are sticky.
Kids are audibly waking up. Can't hear everything they're saying, but it's clearly a good-natured argument about dreams.
R (on her way out of her room): F, it wasn't a dream!
R: Daddy, where are A and E?
B: I'm sorry, R, they're not here. You must have been dreaming about it.
R (walking back into her room): F, it WASN'T a dream!
R (back to my office): Daddy, are you SURE they're not here?
B: Sorry, but I'm sure.
R: But YOU said they had to come see our clean room!
B: I said it'd be nice if they could come see it. Maybe you can keep it clean until they can come visit?
R looks extremely disappointed.
M reads the kids the first page of The Cat in the Hat.
F: They must not have inside toys!
Are we reaping the rewards of four weeks of Montessori preschool for R?
Kids woke us up this morning with:
R: Mommy! Daddy! Wake up! It's MORNING!
Margy: Holy moly. It's past 9AM. You kids must be starving.
F: Nope. We already made breakfast and ate it.
R: Yeah! AND we cleaned up after.
Well, yeah, the breakfast was dry cereal and tortilla chips. And they strung a spiderweb of string around the entire downstairs. But still...
R: Daddy, I don't like Cosmos, because it's boring. And it has scary stuff, but it's scary stuff that makes me less scared. Because it tells me more about the scary stuff and what it can really do.
B: So stuff is less scary when it's explained?
Also, water bears are apparently the funniest things on the planet.
R: This kind of flosser is the best kind of flosser!
B: How come?
R: You can also use it to KILL FISH!
R: Because of the pointy end!
B: OM NOM! I ate your head.
R: Daddy, you LOVE ATE my head.
B: Uh, yeah!
R: Daddy love ate my head, and now my head is shaped like a heart!
R: Daddy, when do I stop going to school?
B: For how long?
R: For at least a year.
B: It's going to be a while. You haven't started kindergarten yet.
R: But HOW LONG?
B: Well, it depends. I guess 13 years, maybe more.
F: Really? I thought it was after graduation.
B: Graduation from what?
F: El Sol.
B: After that there's middle school, then high school.
F: And after that?
B: Well, you might take a year off then, or you might go to college.
F: If I take a year off then, would I go to college after?
F: And what would I do after that?
B: Well, you could stop. Or you could go to grad school, or med school if you want to be a doctor, or law school if you want to be a lawyer.
F: Why would I want to go to grad school?
B: Well, maybe you want to be a scientist.
R: I WANT TO GO TO GRAD SCHOOL!
R: Because I want to be a scientist!
R: Scientists tell people things! And they figure stuff out! Daddy, do you know how you and mommy know that the dinosaurs died because they got hit with asteroids? Because a scientist telled you! And do you know how F and me know that the dinosaurs died because they got hit with asteroids? Because you and Mommy and that guy from Cosmos told us. And HE'S A SCIENTIST!
F: I have a new friend at school now.
B: What's her name?
R: Now I'm NEVER going to be able to go to sleep!
F & B: Why not?
R: Clementine! She must be a cutie!
R: Daddy, you should let me walk in front of you.
B: Ok, why?
R: In case I get shot.
B: EXCUSE ME?
R: There are a lot of downhill-y parts of this walk, and sometimes downhills shoot me into running really fast.
B: Last night, you said you want to be a scientist.
R: Yeah. But I probably wouldn't be in this family anymore.
B: Why not?
R: Well, I'd be a grown-up then
B: You mean you wouldn't live in our house anymore if you became a scientist?
B: That may be true, but you'd still be in this family. You'll ALWAYS be in this family. I'll ALWAYS be your Daddy. You'll ALWAYS be my R.
R: Not always. Only until you're dead.
Canvassing for his elementary school.
First door: F rings bell, hears someone coming, squeaks, hides behind me.
20th door: F mutely hands over clipboard, nods head.
Neighbor: Oh, I'd love to help you, but I don't have any money on me.
F: That's ok. Most people, when they don't have any money on them, they go into the house and get some. I'll wait here.