F & R Figure Out the World

November 2014

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They said they were going to sleep in the closet. I just didn't believe them.


Latest anatomy/physiology lesson:

R: They cut Mommy in half to get F out. But I came out Mommy's hoohah.


B: How did you like sleeping in the closet?
F: I didn't sleep. I stayed awake for a long time and then I went to sleep in my bed.
B: I checked in on you while you were sleeping in the closet, and I took this picture (shows picture)
F: I was faking!


Sleeping in the closet seems to be all that they can talk about.

F: I tried to sleep in the closet last night!
B: I know! Did you like it?
F: Well, I wouldn't do it again.
B: Why not?
F: At least, I wouldn't do it with R. We just started talking until we started giggling and we couldn't stop until we were all laughed out. And then it was super late and I went into my own bed. And my own bed was freezing because all the blankets were in the closet and R was sleeping in them so I couldn't take them away.


Separately, totally different time.

R: I slept in the closet last night, Daddy!
B: How was it?
R: It was hard!
B: How come?
R: Well, it was hard to fall asleep. F and I were on the same bed so we didn't just have to be quiet. We had to NOT MOVE! Whenever we move, it moved the other person and the other person COULDN'T FALL ASLEEP! And everything in going to sleep is MOVING. Even getting my head and arms ready for sleep!
B: How do you get your head and arms ready for sleep?
R: Like THIS


R: Daddy, how many mosquitos are there in Russia?
B: I don't know.
R: Can you ask the google?
B: Ok... Nope, I can't find anything about how many, all I can find is ways to kill them.
R: I bet there isn't very many, because Russia is full of dragons and they probably kill the mosquitos.
B: Russia is full of dragons??
R: I think so... Daddy, are dragons real?
F: DRAGONS AREN'T REAL, R! COME ON!
B: Well, a lot of people have looked for dragons for a long time, but no one has ever found anything to prove that they're real. So I think maybe there are no dragons.
R: Maybe there used to be dragons. Like dinosaurs!
B: Well, we've found a lot of dinosaur bones. We've never found dragon bones.
R: Did you look in Russia?
B: Well, not me, but I think other people have.
B: They probably found dragon bones and just THOUGHT they were dinosaur bones.


Pulling up to R's school. About 20 minutes after the dragons in Russia conversation.

B: Did you know I don't have to work today?
R: No!
B: Maybe instead of going to school, we should, um, go to the circus?
R: (laughs) Daddy, I have to go to school. If you don't take me to school, we'll get in trouble. Also, there's no such thing as circuses.
B: Actually, I've seen circuses with my own eyes. There are definitely circuses.
R: Yeah, but at least there's no such thing as clowns!
B: Huh? I've seen clowns, too.
R: Those weren't REAL clowns, Daddy. Those were just PEOPLE with makeup and clothes to make them LOOK like clowns!

So, for those keeping score at home, dragons, yes, circuses, no, clowns, no. Go figure.


At Bilbo's. I am sitting with my back to the tv.

R: Daddy, I'm watching some kind of score-game, but I don't know what it is.
F: I think it's football. Because there's people catching the ball, and people trying to run with the ball, and there's touchdowns.
B: Yeah, Daddy, I'm watching football!
F: It must be football. There's a y-shaped thing they're kicking the ball at!


T. Rex


R puts on one purple glove.

R: I'm touching my magic wand. I need the glove because if you touch the tip of a magic wand with your bare hands, either it will shoot magic into your body that doesn't work, or it will turn you into things you don't wanna be turned into.


R: Are jellyfish made out of strawberry or raspberry jelly?


R: Daddy, I know it's a bag, but it's still called a juice BOX. I know this because Mommy told me and also because when you say, "juice box," this is what I see in my head.


R: Do you guys want to play the book Mommy just read me?
B: What book?
R: Goldilocks and the three bears. I can be Goldilocks.
B: Should I be the papa bear?
R: Yeah, but F & Mommy don't want to play. So we can pretend mama bear and baby bear are dead.


R: F, do you want to be in my lab?
F: I'm eating oatmeal.
R: I'm a lab boss. It's hard to tell because I used to have a REAL lab coat and then I lost it, and so I have to wear this one and this one IS a lab coat but it doesn't LOOK like a lab coat... HEY!! you can't take pictures of people in lab coats because other people will see the pictures and they'll think it looks funny and then they won't want to be lab bosses and lab helpers and THAT'S THE BEST THING TO BE!


R: Daddy, do you want to be on my lab team?
B: Ok, sure.
R: You can be a lab helper. That means you get to tell everyone except the lab boss what to do and they have to do what you say because you're going to be wearing a lab coat.


F has created a present for one of his (many) toy snakes.

F (sweetest voice possible): Snakey, Snakey, I have a surprise for you...
R: ALL SURPRISES MUST BE PUT IN THE RED WAGON!


Correction:

F: No, I don't have a lot of toy snakes. Snakey is the black one. The green one isn't mine. It's SNAKEY'S. Snakey is alive, and the green one is his toy. He calls it "Ssssssss". Because it's kind of hard for him to say words that aren't "Sssssss." He CAN do it, but it's a lot easier to say that, so that's what he named him. It's also easy for OTHER people to say "Sssssss" and that's a good thing.


R: Mommy, I'm Lab Girl!
M: I thought you were Lab Boss.
R: I AM a lab boss. But my NAME is Lab Girl. And if you need to call me, you should call "Lab Girl Lab Girl" because that way if I don't hear you the first time I might hear you the second. So just call me if you need any help!
M: Lab Girl Lab Girl!
R: What do you need help with?
M: Hugs
R: On it!


R: Daddy, can you keep my magic wand safe?
B: Ok. Did you know your magic wand is also a Nok - hockey stick?
R: Yeah! You need to keep it, and you need to make sure you remember where it is, and make sure it still has magic in it.
B: How do I know if it has magic?
R: Cast a spell. If it works, there's still magic.


After a day of shoveling snow, M understandably wants a glass of wine.

M: Are you sure Costco didn't have ANY Merlot?
B: I looked and looked. R, did we spend a lot of time looking for wine when we went to the store?
R: Yeah! You kept looking and looking and looking for wine! There was wine RIGHT THERE and you were looking for it anyway. It was funny.
F: It would be funny if the store hid the wine where people wouldn't look for it. Like if they put it in the cheese.


B: Don't forget to put on your snow pants.
R: I know! Daddy, do you know WHY I wear snow pants?
B:To keep the snow off your leggies and keep them warm?
R: No! It's because when there's snow on the ground, I fall down a lot, and the snow pants are how I can fall down and it doesn't hurt!


Also re: R's bundling: Her teacher gave her a big "Hello!", looked around until she saw me, and then added, "... R!"


Goofing with his Mommy.


I estimate she's three years away from 6, 28, 496, etc.

R: Daddy, did you know that ten is a perfect number?
B: It is? Why?
R: It's a perfect number FOR ME.
B: How come?
R: Whenever I think of the number ten, I go "woo!" and then my body tells me, "That's a perfect number for you."


F (singing): I hate Mr. Poopy Butt...
B: Who's Mr. Poopy Butt?
F: It's a guy I made up. And everybody, when they see him, they poop their pants. And poop comes out their hair.


R: Can I have a cookie?
B: If you eat all of your (very small amount of) broccoli.
R: Awwwww!

Fifteen minutes goes by. Broccoli remains uneaten. B goes upstairs.
R comes up a few minutes later.

R: Daddy, can I have a cookie NOW?
B: Did you eat all your broccoli?
R: Yeah! Here's my empty bowl!
B: Huh. Let's go take a look.

B looks in garbage can. Sees R's broccoli.

B: You didn't eat it. You threw it out. No cookie.
R: Awwww.
B: Also, you shouldn't lie about stuff like that.
R: I wasn't LYING. I was TRYING TO TRICK YOU!


After 2 hours on the road, on exit ramp for rest stop

F: I think I'm gonna throw up!
M: We're stopping. Let me get you a bag...
F: I have the bucket... I hit the bucket!

(Note: this is a first. I feel much elation now. So does F.)

F (gleeful): I hit the bucket again!!

(We are stopped now.)

M: Let's get you taken care of... WHY IS THIS STUFF ALL BRIGHT RED?!
B: Fluffy salad and red - filled oreos.
M: Phew!
F: When we get back in the car, can I play on your phone some more?
M: Isn't that what JUST made you puke?
F: But I'm empty now!


We are home. F is asleep in the car (which is rarer than puking and actually hitting the bucket). F is one of the heavier sleepers in the world.

B: I'm going to take you inside, and then come back for your brother.
R: Are you going to wake him up?
B: Not on purpose.
R: What are you going to do??
B: I'm going to carry him until he wakes up. Hopefully, I can get him all the way to his bed, and he can just stay asleep.
R: But aren't you going to stop him to brush his teeth?
B: Not if he's asleep.
R: But WON'T THE DENTIST BE MAD?


F: I love animals. But I also love eating animals. I mean, they're dead already, right?


R: Daddy, I can't put my clothes on.
B: Why not?
R: I'm not done with my other bathroom stuff.
B: Did you brush?
R: Yeah.
B: Did you floss?
R: Yeah.
B: Did you do anti-gravity? (Note: don't get excited. This is just what they call their fluoride rinse.)
R: I can't. I need help.
B: With what part?
R: I don't know when to spit!
B: Oh. Um, sing, I mean hum, the alphabet song three times, and then spit.
R: Daddy, I don't have to hum. I can sing in my head without making noise. I do it all the time.


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