In her defense, she was playing with a doll one of whose feet is stuck en pointe and was trying to get the doll to be able to stand like a normal person.
F: Boy! Algebra, typing, cursive writing—there's so much stuff I have to learn before I can get good at life.
R: Yeah, I want to really win at life!
F: I don't want to die until I know EVERYTHING!
R: If you want to know everything, you have to be born at the start of the earth and live until the end of it.
F: Even then, you might still not know everything. Like how to travel in other dimensions.
R: Yeah! Or how to break ankles!
Out to lunch with R and her friend E. Potty trip necessary.
E: I really hate the auto flush toilets.
R: Me too! They're so scary! But what I really hate are the hand blowers. They're even louder!
E: Yeah, but sometimes they're the only way to dry your hands.
R: Not for me. If there's no paper towels, I use Mommy's pants.
Collaborative day planning
B is in recliner, probably looking dozy. F puts blanket on B, crawls on top and starts snuggling.
F: I have to go soon. I can't stay like this much longer.
B: Ok, but how come? Are you uncomfortable? Is it too hot?
F: Nah, I'm just afraid I might fall asleep.
B: But taking a nap is just so nice. It's fun!
F: You're only saying that because you're a grownup. When you're a kid, you know that there are ACTUAL fun things to do that are way better than sleeping.
B: Do your homework. I bet it goes super quick, and I bet it's the last first grade homework you ever have.
F: But there's three more days of school. Why wouldn't there be homework?
B: Well, Tuesday and Wednesday are no-backpack days, remember? How are you supposed to bring it back?
F: Um, I could hold it in my hands...
B: Nah, you're only in first grade. They don't teach "holding objects in your hands" until at least fourth or fifth.
F: (laughs) Look! I'm holding a jar lid! In my hands! I'M SO ADVANCED!
F: Uh, Mommy? Your shoes don't match your shirt. And they don't match your pants. In fact, I think maybe they don't match anything, ever.
R: Daddy, do you know what this is?
B: Um, a paintbrush?
R: Nope! It's a TICKLER.
B: What do you use it for?
R: I tickle Cat (pet caterpillar) to see if I can get it to move.
R: So I know Cat is still alive. It's really important. Because sometimes I get a little wormy or caterpillar or inchworm and I pick it up and I love it, and I love it, and then it stops moving, and it's dead. I hate that! So the tickler tells me I didn't do that yet.
Note: We put Cat (mark, I dunno, 150?) in a jar with dirt the other day. It immediately burrowed into the dirt and hasn't been seen since. Probably the best defense strategy where R is concerned. Maybe we'll get a butterfly out of it?
F: Beans are like a dead battery.
F: Because they bounce.
R: Daddy, did you know that where mermaids live, they pee, so it never gets cold.
B takes R to bathroom.
F: While you were gone, a waitress took your plate. Is that ok?
R: A WITCH took your plate?!
R has stopped bawling long enough to be able to talk again.
B: What's the matter?
R: I want F to do [nice thing] for me and HE WON'T DO IT!
B: I talked to F and he said he did do [nice thing] for you, and that he made a deal with you that you'd do it for him after. And he said you wouldn't do it.
B: So you're upset that F won't keep doing something for you, after you broke your promise to do it for him?
R: Yeah! But when I told him I'd do it, I DIDN'T MEAN IT.
Nice thing] = give an extra push down the slide at Bounceland.
Cultural touchstones to come.
B: You must chill!
B: I have hidden your keys!
F: (No reaction)
R: Mommy, I have a joke for you.
R: What kind of food do you need so you can poop?
Sky, lake, kids.
Rising kindergartener, first day Montessori summer school.
R: Daddy, tonight I want my bedtime song to be one of the songs you were singing before.
B: Which one? The one about the screen door slamming? The one about the dead dog?
R: No, the one where you were playing too loud and you sounded really silly.
And that's how I ended up singing "Because the Night" to my daughter as a bedtime song.
Neighbor has dropped by.
R: At least she didn't bring her dog this time!
B: Would it be bad if she did?
R: Yeah! Last time she was here, she investigated the whole yard! And then she just wanted to follow me around.
B: Sounds like she likes you. Do you like her?
B: Why not?
R: ALL THE STUFF I JUST SAID!
B: Because she likes you?
R: NO, THE OTHER THING!
B: Because she investigates things? What's wrong with that?
R: If she investigates in the house, she might EAT OUR TOYS!
Made last day of school. Love that kid.
Stalking the neighbors' cat, hoping for a petting opportunity.
F: Daddy, do you want me to check the mail?
B: Nah, it's Sunday. There's no mail today.
F: I'm going to check anyway.
Turns out I got these anonymous notes. Looks like some word that starts with a D, that might have revealed who they're from, has been crossed out. Guess I'll never know now.
R really likes the kid across the street
Getting ready for mini golf. R's face is not about mini golf, it's about stopping to take a picture beforehand.
Waiting out tornado warning in the basement. May be hard to tell, but there are 3 of us in the picture.
F is in my office, proudly showing off the piece of paper he has folded into a small triangle.
F: See how tight that fold is?
B: That's pretty tight, BUT...
(B shows F how to make a crease with thumbnail.)
F: Wow! That's REALLY sharp!
B: You can even use that to make a straightish tear when you don't have a scissors. (Demonstrates)
F: Cool, but I can already do that a different way. I just fold it, and then lick the fold until it's tearable.
B: That probably works too. But the other way is way less disgusting.
F: I know! That's why I like my way better!
My little ninja.
R: Daddy, my arms are long and green and I don't know why.