F (to B): You went to bed last night and you didn't get out of your need or jump on it, so you get a present. It's going to be a toy that me and R don't like!
F: R is into "rubbery" and i'm into space!
M: What was your favorite part of the planetarium?
F: The movie
B: Did you see the Big Dipper?
B: Did you see the North Star?
F: No, I saw Polaris
B: Did you see the pointer stars to help you find it?
F: No, I found it when the guy drew a red circle around it.
R: What's that?
She looks in F's bowl. He's eating frozen-and reheated blackberries and raspberries.
R: There's LADYBUGS in it! That soup is FUNNY!
Competitive waterboarding: naked plastic baby vs sea cucumber with eyes and lights. I think the baby breaks first - R is vicious
R: Daddy made dinner!
Note: Daddy did not make dinner. Daddy has made dinner once in the last, well, while.
M: No, Mommy made dinner.
R: Mommy made dinner? I can eat it? [pause] F! Come to the table and eat!
Note: F is already sitting at the table.
At first, when he told me he'd lost his sunshine and asked if I'd seen it, I thought he meant he was sad. Now I know he meant it literally.
From back of car:
R: F, stop hitting yourself!
F: I'm not hitting myself. I'm washing my hands with air instead of water so they get soft and rubbery.
M: What do you want on your bagel?
F: Big brown eyes and a gust of wind!
B: And the Big Bad Wolf said, "Little pig, little pig, let me in!"
B: Because he was hungry for pig. What do you think the little pig said?
R: "Me too!"
Blah blah adorable blah blah blah. She's always adorable. This is actually about HIM. We have those flowers on the bathroom mirror now. They're squishy, which means...
F: Can I take those flowers down and play with them?
B: No, they need to stay where they are
F: That's ok. I'll get them when you die.
F: You're really old, Daddy!
B: Old? I'm [none of your business]
F: No you're not! MOMMY is [that number]
Gasp from other room.
F: Daddy, I'm right and Poppa's wrong. He says honey comes from honeybees. I say honey comes from bumblebees.
(Pause for googling)
B: You're both right. The honey you buy in the store comes from honeybees, but bumblebees make honey, too. It's just harder to get.
F: No! Poppa's wrong! There's no such thing as honeybees!
R: Heart pocket on my butt, Daddy! Heart pocket on my butt, F! Heart pocket on my butt!! Hahahahaha!
F: Guess what, Adults. I am the specialest kid in the world because I can see air.
B: Do you like your teachers?
F: Miss A is mean. She uses bad words.
B: What kind of bad words?
F: She says, "Roast your Daddy"
F: I'm having trouble falling asleep.
B: What's the matter?
(His pillowcase has cartoony pirates on it.)
F: I can't stop looking at the pirate committee.
F is an Old 97s fan.
F: What are fame and fortune?
F: How did they break down our door?
F: Daddy, you're Neptune. You're an icy gas giant!
B: Well, I'm not icy.
F: No, you're a nice-y gas giant.
Can't argue with that, unfortunately.
More bedtime song-related exchanges:
F: What's a convenient streetlight?
R: My flying shoes aren't on my feet!
B: Where are they?
R: They come all the way from China.
F (to R): I'm going to be an adult before you.
R (crying): I don't want to be a 'dult!
F: You are going to turn into Mommy and I am going to turn into Daddy.
R: I don't want to turn into Mommy! I want to be R!
F: How do you turn it into money?
F: The work.
M: Good question.
From other room...
R: I want to be gentle with it!
M: You really don't have to be gentle. It's dead.
Upon investigation, I learn that "it" is the ant R had me step on.
F: Remember that nakedy dance we watched?
All brunch guests: ?!
F: We watched a movie of it at school!
M: That was last year's school show. And they weren't NAKED, they were BAREFOOT.
F: Daddy, I think some people plant garlic mustard just because they like pulling weeds
R is convinced that every sound from outside is a bear. When M took F to school I had to hold her up to see that the noise was just M.
R: Are Mommy and F bears?
R: Daddy, you have hiccups! You're hicking up! Do you need some tickles?
F: Blackberries are only good for my poop, not R's. Her poop is metamorphic, which means it changes.
R: My poop's not metamorphic!
F (somewhere in the middle of bowl 3 of noodle/tuna/broccoli salad): This is the yummiest thing EVER. It's gooder than soup!
R (crying): Mommy! [unintelligible] ... bothering me!
M (sympathetic tone): I'm sorry, R.
R: I need you to hit him with a book!
B: That's what I did last night.
B: She's talking about an ant, not F.
M and the kids play a game where they lean/push on her and she "falls over" in the bed. She doesn't want to play.
F: Mommy, stop being so strong!
F: I need to go tell Mommy a question.
B: Sorry, Monkey, you're in bed for the night.
F: Then I'll tell Mommy in Morning Snuggle Time. It's a secret question for you.
B: Do you want to tell me what it is?
F: It's that when you sang R's bed song, she was in your lap.
B: It's true, she was. Do you want me to tell Mommy?
F: I want to tell her first. You can tell her after you swim laps.
F had a popsicle during the day. F had a bite of ice cream before dinner. F had ice cream after dinner.
F: More ice cream!
M: Are you MADE of ice cream?
F: I'm made of ice cream NEED!
Excerpt from R's singing-herself-to-nap song: Mary Jack, Mary Jack, she had on a black dress with an elephant. And she jumped on a fence. And she couldn't get down. And she was poopy.
R: Daddy's leggy hurts. I want to see the owie.
B: It's not the kind of owie you can see on the outside.
R: Daddy, I want to see your leggy!
B: Come over and pull up my pant leg. (She does)
R: Now I want to see your heart.