F & R Figure Out the World

September 2012

Bad: F popping his head out of the bedroom, well past 9pm, clearly not yet having been to sleep.

Worse: R right behind him.

Nightmare territory: R: Daddy, can you get me a wet wipe? My hands are yucky.
B: How did you get your hands yucky in your bedroom in the dark?
F: It's BUTT LOTION!


We drive by a yard sale. M sees a floor lamp, which we need. We wait in the minivan. M returns with just some books.

M: The lamp sold just as we were getting there.
F: What's a lampsold?
R: I want a lampsoul!
If we find it, it's going next to the backson.


Avoiding boredom while Daddy waits for his Nook to be fixed.


F: There's a triangle on my belly. It's one hundred miles wide and one thousand miles long.


Cute: Kids use the bathroom together.

Still ok: When they're done, they both yell to be wiped.

Weird: I go in to do it, and they're both leaning over the tub with their butts in the air.

F: Wipe me first, Daddy, and when I'm done I'm going to the dentist.
B: You're what?
F: I'm going to the dentist!
B: Why?
F: I need a new slinky.
R: And I need a new yucky thing!


Saturday's trip to the dentist seems to have made quite am impression.

After dinner, F went into his room, got R's stool, took it into the bathroom, got the brand new bag of flossers, took one out, and gave the bag to his sister.

She threw the bag into the toilet.


M: ...blah blah blah...chocolate eyes
F: I do have chocolate eyes! R used to have blueberry eyes.
M: Used to?!
F: Yeah. I ate them.
M: What does she do now?
F: She walks around and bumps into stuff
R: Yeah! Because I have no eyes! But I do have two Mommies.
M: That's not a Mommy
R: Yeah, that's a Daddy. But sometimes I call him Bobby.


R runs from living room yelling "Ow, ow, ow!" and half-crying

B: R, are you hurt?
R: Stop it, Daddy!
B: Do you need kisses?
R: I need Mommy to kiss my head

M does. R immediately puts on comic happy face, skips back to living room.


F had to be bribed to go to grocery store with offer of a treat. He wanted "chewy M&M's that have no chocolate in them." I think that means Skittles. Then he decided on plain M&M's. Until suddenly in the store he changed his mind and wanted a peach. Which, holy crap, yeah kid, knock yourself out. On the ride home...

F: I don't want the rest of my peach.
B: Ok. Are you full?
F: No, but my body is telling me I should eat something else.
R (who obviously also got a peach): My body says it wants ice cream!
B: Neither if you has to eat the rest of your peach. When we get home you can both throw them in the compost.
F: Yeah! Then the WORMS can eat them!


On their way to F's first day of school this year, and R's ever.

F: We're going to school in our AIRPLANES!


My kids are having the same problem with double negatives that I remember having, i.e. that the English language is mathematically incorrect.

B: Don't you have shoes on?
F: Yeah!

B looks down at F's bare feet.

B: I thought you said yeah
F: Yeah, I don't!


M: This is the sweetest F&R story, yet. It just made my day. Today was the first "real" day of preschool, when parents didn't have to stay with the kids. I should have taken a photo of F&R; they were super cute in their matching tie-dye shirts. Bobby picked the kids up after school and this was the conversation (as best as I can remember it) I had with F after dinner.

M: Daddy says that you played with R on the playground today.
F (eyes lighting up): Yeah! I was going to play with the new friend that I met today (whose name I don't know), but then I remembered R! I put my golf ball and frog down where kids put their stuff and waited by the gate until she came out. And, then when she did, I ran to her. And, she did the same thing! And, we hugged.
M (tears welling up, hugging F): That is the sweetest thing I have ever heard!
F (smiling): And, we played together the whole time and I didn't let anyone steal her.


Came in from bowling, went to kiss the kids goodnight. This is how I found F. Sound asleep. Even the flash didn't wake him.


F: Daddy, you went bowling last night.
B: I did.
F: I love when you go bowling.
B: Why?
F: Because I get a bath from MOMMY! And I get stories with MOMMY! And I go to bed with MOMMY! Daddy, did you kiss me in my sleep when you got home?
B: I did. And do you know what you were cuddling?
F: My babies?
B: Nope.
F: Mommy?
B: Nope.
F: My pillow?
B: Nope.
F: What?

B shows F picture of F cuddling with his map.

F: My map?! That's silly! Maybe I didn't want to get lost in my dreams.


R: Daddy, you got me dressed!
B: I did?
R: Yeah!
B: Who put your underwear on?
R: Me!
B: Who put your pants on?
R: Me!
B: Who put your dress on?
R: You showed me how
B: But did you do it or did I do it?
R: Me!
B: So did I get you dressed?
R: No, Daddy, I got me dressed! I got me dressed!


F&R listened to "Don Gato" before dinner tonight. Out of nowhere at dinner...

F: How did that cat even GET to the roof?!


F&R squabbling at the dinner table. (Don't know where they get it. WE never did that!)

B: I'm going to think you don't want dessert if you don't stop making R cry.
F: But she's kicking me!
M: So scoot over
F: But I won't be on the bench if I scoot over!
B: Can't you just float?
F: No! ... Well, only in outer space.


R: I want to look at the goats!
B: Do you want to feed them or pet them?
R: No, they'll bite me
Every kid there: They don't bite!
R: But they have mouths!


R: Annie's my BEST friend! And, Dana & Kerry.
M: Aww. What about F?
R: No. He does too much mean stuff...


Driving home from the RP...

F: Hey, that's (Nanny from a year ago)'s house
B: Do you miss her?
F: No, I didn't like her. She told me to do things I didn't want to do.
B: Like what?
F: Like sit on the stairs and play with the toys there.
B: What was wrong with that?
F: Nothing. I just wanted to play with myself instead.
B: Doing what?
F: I just wanted to be quiet and pretend my fingers were guys


F: Daddy, three plus four is seven!
B: How did you know that?
F: Well, I know seven is more than one. And seven is WAY more than negative a hundred.


F is digging the far back row in the minivan...

F: I want to stay back here FOREVER!
B: You want to play back there, and sleep back there, and eat back there?
F: Yeah!
B: How would you go to school?
Stefanie: Should we bring the school to you?
F: Yeah! I'll get a wrecking ball, and I'll break it into little pieces, and I'll build it back up in the back.


F: I'm not aware of choking hazards for my babies because my babies don't put anything in their mouths.
M: That's because their mouths don't open!


R: Daddy, one day, we were in the car, and a mean butterfly flew in. He didn't have a sting. So Mommy opened the window. I didn't cry. If he tried to sting me I would have cried.

(Goes into other room...)

R:Mommy, did you hear what I said to Daddy?
M: No, what?
R: A mean fly came into the car and tried to eat me!


F (describing his trip to Navy Pier today): ...and they used to have WEAPONS there!


B: Hey! Your Lego bus is a double-decker now.
F: It's not a bus anymore. It's a minivan. The seats fold down and either people or luggage can ride on top!


R: I'm nice but sometimes I do dangerous things


R claimed she was too tired to get her own underwear, so F said he'd help. He pulled out the pair with Daisy Duck (is that really her name?) on them.

F: Here, R, I got you the ones with Mickey Bird!


Overheard from other room...

F: Hey, R, can I ninja you?
R: Ok
F: Grrrr
R: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Seconds later...

R: F, do you want to ninja me again?


R (eating oatmeal): I don't like this bite
M: Ok. Put it on this plate.
R: Eat it! Eat it, Mommy! It's wriggling!

(Note: It was not, in fact, wriggling. It was a raisin.)


B: So what do you want to be for Halloween this year?
F: A cricket
B: Just like last year?
F: Nah, I want to be something else this year. I want to be a transformer.
B: What kind of transformer?
F: A Batman!
B: A Batman that transforms into what?
F: I don't know. A bush. Or a bug. Or grass. Or feet.


F: There were fourteen chocolate chips in my cookie!
B: How do you know?
F: Look!

I look. F has eaten the cookie part and saved all the chips (yes, there are 14) for the end.


Walking home tonight, looking at the lovely moon.

R: But, we can eat it.
M: What?! We can eat the moon?!
R: Yes. Because it looks like an ice cube!


F is avoiding bedtime.

F: I love you!
M: Stop loving me and put your underwear on!
F: I can't!
B: Do you need my help?
F: I can put my UNDERWEAR on. I just can't stop loving Mommy! Mommy, I can't stop loving you


Stopped at a lemonade stand on the way home from the park. Later on the walk:

F: We should go home now, and we should set up a table, and we should find all the stuff that we don't need and don't want, and we should sell it!


B: Do you guys want to go in a long bike ride tomorrow?
R: Yeah!
B: Where do you want to go?
F: New Jersey!
B: That's a little TOO far.
F: How about outer space?
B: Outer space?
F: Yeah! We could put wings on your bike
B: Wings wouldn't really help. There's no air, and wings need air to work
F: Let's get rocket bikes!


R: Daddy, when we're in the stores, you always say, "No scattering!" But you don't say "No scattering" at home because there's no place to scatter to.


F & R Figure Out the World

F & R Figure Out the World

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